Pre-Show (continued) 6:36 – Mandy Moore looks like an evil bridesmaid. And John Krasinki has a shirt on from Baby Gap….from the girl’s section. And Jessica Alba…well. I’m watching this with my wife – so Alba looks like she has a great personality. 6:37 – According to MTV Lindsay Lohan is most known for her style. Somewhere drugs, flashing, and vodka are upset. Apparently doing cocaine, having multiple DUI’s, and being worthless – gets you a fashion montage at the VMA’s. Dustin “Screech Powers” Diamond needs a better agent – he fits the bill. 6:40 – Nice to know that according to Jay Z you need to have vintage jeans and a designer bag to be hot. This goes without saying, but no one would ever ask Tupac about fashion. 6:41 – I think that new reporter wants to get in the back seat of the muscle car with Shia LaBeouf. Only 11 minutes in and we’ve had an awkward moment. 6:43 – They just announced that the Human Giant crew is blogging live tonight. I look unoriginal already – that didn’t take long. Giant is inconsistent, but overall a show worthy of a TiVo season pass. 6:45 – Whitney, LC, and Audrina from The Hills – Do any of these girls have last names? Or real careers? 6:46 – More awkward Shia moments – whip cracking comments centering around being “Indiana Jones lover.” What is going on? 6:47 – Michael Bay movies have such gargantuan budgets and sets – that there’s no way he’s doing even 1/5 of the directing. He likely has 2nd and 3rd units doing all this work. It’s got to take at least 3-4 hours a day to keep his feathered bangs presentable. 6:50 – Paris Hilton is apparently “courageous” for attending the movie awards. What do we have to do to get footage of her in prison? 6:53 – Another Transformers cast member (Megan Fox) gets screen time. MTV better have gotten a huge check for all this publicity. 6:55 – The Transformer car has more personality than Josh Duhamel and Tyrese combined. They need to be paid not to do press for this film. They couldn’t sell Peppermint Schnapps to Lindsay Lohan. Per MTV, Tyrese is a man of many talents – apparently wearing diamonds is not only a talent – but talents. Are there any guys in Hollywood that you would ever want to hang out with personally? 6:59 – What we’ve learned from the pre-show is – commercial free isn’t always a good thing. MTV Movie Awards 7:00 – Time for the “big show” – one prediction: Sarah Silverman is going to go from a niche to a huge star.. Her comedy can be offensive – but I have no problems with it. Her Comedy Central show (The Sarah Silverman Program) is vastly underrated. The best female comedian in years. Her Jesus as Magic movie has some old bits – but overall excellent – definitely worth Netflix-ing (which by the way – should be a recognized verb). 7:04 – Will Ferrell looks like he’s a few days away from showing up on Dateline NBC with Chris Hansen. He needs to shave before he ends up on a poster at the Post Office. 7:05 – Silverman’s intro is solid (great dig on Tobey Maguire that I can’t repeat – MTV can apparently get away with murder) – but it can’t compare to Chris Rock. Shots of Jack Nicholson slumming in the audience. 7:11 – Best Villain Award is the first of the night. We now know why Nicholson is in the crowd – I’m sure MTV gave him a heads up that he’d win if he showed. 7:12 – First and last time I’ll be right tonight – Jack wins and then sounds as if he gargled a broken beer bottle earlier tonight. He’s definitely had a few to drink. 7:15 – I’m convinced that within a decade we will be text messaging/voting via cell phone for the next president. Sanjya will be running on the wig ticket in 2020. 7:16 – MTV claims that if acceptance speeches run long tonight – they’ll have a huge man chase you off stage. A huge barely-clothed man with a fist for a belly button. 7:21 – The 322nd Old Navy Commercial of the night. I don’t know one person who shops at Old Navy and isn’t ashamed to admit it. 7:22 - Jessica Biel and Silverman just made every teenage boy’s night. 7:23 – Bruce Willis apparently shops out of Jimmy Buffett’s closet and is also drunk. Is everyone in attendance who’s over 40 years old three sheets to the wind? 7:25 – Best Fight is the next category – my vote is The Hills Have Eyes vs. good taste. Borat is nominated and we get an extended clip – just when I had finally blocked that scene from my memory. Back to the therapist I go. 300 takes the golden popcorn. 7:27 – Dane Cook takes the mic and he immediately mentions Nicholson’s intoxication. I immediately take back every bad thing I’ve said about Cook. 7:30 – First Movie Spoof of the night– Little Miss Squirt Gun. And it’s completely awful. There’s a reason why these people are still wanna-be filmmakers. 7:35 – Rihanna and Jay Z perform a song (Umbrella) that isn’t in any movie and has absolutely no connection to movies. Bonus points for not lip-synching, but absolutely no personality in the performance. Beyonce has nothing to worry about. 7:40 – Jessica Biel, Kevin James, and Adam Sandler are up to present the Best Kiss. Even though Sander has fallen off – he’s always comedy gold on MTV award shows. 7:42 – If there’s anything right in the world – Ferrell and Cohen will win for best kiss so we get them on the same stage at once. “Tough” competition though: Little Man, Stomp the Yard, and The Holiday. 7:43: Ferrell and Cohen win – and Youtube history is made. 7:46 – Dane Cook is apparently hosting tonight as he’s back on stage – this time to introduce a Texas Chainsaw Massacre Spoof. Well made. 7:47 – A Vitamin water commercial starring…50 Cent? Does Vitamin Water help heal bullet wounds? Is it like the Lost island is to John Locke? 7:48 - Every Human Giant piece has been better than the actual awards. Can we get them to host next year? Hilarious Scarred and Rob & Big segments so far. 7:53 – Nice segment as Silverman looks for a presenter, includes: Brad Pitt, Jennifer Hudson, the cast of 300, Will Smith, The Departed, and The Transformers. This is how awards shows are supposed to start. 7:57 – Breakthrough performance – Can we vote that no one win? I’m ashamed to admit it, but Justin Timberlake was good in Alpha Dog. Alas – the film was horrible. Jaden Smith wins. 8:00 – Time for another movie spoof – this time – United 98 meets 300. Possibly the most tasteless idea ever. What’s next: Adam Sandler’s List? 8:01 – The Dirtiest Mouth Award brought to you by Orbit gum. Clerks 2 and selling out wins. 8:06 –Best Comedic Performance is next up on the agenda. Emily Blunt is nominated and definitely needs to give her publicist a raise. Sacha Baron Cohen wins for Borat. 8:10 – More shots of Fergie in the crowd. She’s between Shia and Josh Duhamel. What are the odds she came with Shia: 1,000 to 1? A million to one? 8:15 – A spoof public service announcement for Borat-idis. Great take on the phenomemenon of people repeating every good comedy quote. Word of advice – do yourself a favor and watch Da Ali G Show on DVD – each episode has more comedy than the entire Borat film. Many less-staged segments. 8:17 – Cameron Diaz is out to present a lifetime achievement award for Mike Myers. My wife thinks Cameron Diaz is wearing a bath towel. I measure my response and safely say only “Yes.” We need Sprockets to finally hit the big screen. I’m convinced Myers can still be funny on film – unlike Sandler. When Sandler got older and ridiculously wealthy he lost all ability to tap into his core slacker audience. Myers comedy is unique and I don’t see it changing. I wasn’t a big fan of Austin Powers – but in retrospect – I have to admit Dr. Evil is one of the best characters of the 90’s. Kudos to Myers for referring to the fans as his “boss.” 8:25 – Time for an Evan Almighty trailer – Apparently $200 million can’t buy you a good 90 seconds. 8:29 – Remember when Samuel L was the coolest man in the room? Times they are a changing. After The Man – I can’t take him seriously. He announces United 300 as the top spoof. They receive some well-deserved boos. The director has a shirt that looks like it came out of the Ted Nugent collection. 8:32 – Amy Winehouse performs “Rehab” – which should be the theme song for the night….for Hollywood in general. Comedy gold is left untapped. Can we get a video montage of celebrities in incriminating photographs? Tell me it wouldn’t kill with the audience. Nick Nolte’s mug shot, Lohan doing high kicks, any shot of Brendan Davis. 8:35 - I love how commercials for videos on cell phones show picture perfect quality. My phone loses service when my cat scratches himself– there’s no way it’s streaming quality video. 8:36 – A trailer for 1408 (based on a story by Stephen King) airs and it continues to look solid. John Cusack makes any film watchable. He single-handedly turned Identity from average to great. 8:39 – Seth Rogen & Eva Mendes take the stage and make comments that aren’t fit to print. They announce the nominees for the best summer movie you haven’t seen yet – Rush Hour 3, Hairspray, Transformers, Harry Potter, Chuck & Larry, Fantastic Four, Evan Almighty, and The Simpsons. Strange that the majority are in my Top 10 Movies to Avoid at All Costs. 8:44 –Hot Rod (Adam Sandberg from SNL as a cheesy stuntman) is soon to be on my Top 10 Most Anticipated Summer Movies List. Any movie with a star who has a Tom Selleck-esqe mustache is a winner in my book. If you’re under forty and didn’t lose a bet – why would you ever grow a mustache? 8:45 – More Old Navy! Which begs the question – why haven’t male Capri pants caught on yet? Tennis players wear them (sarcasm intended). Is it just me or are Capri pans a result of lazy fashion designers? I envision a meeting dragging on and no one had any good ideas so someone said “let’s make half pants/half shorts” – just so they could get home in time to watch Laguna Beach. 8:48 – The Transformers crew gets more stage time. This has quickly turned into a three hour infomercial. 8:49 – Best Performance is the award – Why isn’t Mel Gibson nominated for best (worst?) drunken beard? Why do they have serious nominees? We know this isn’t the Academy – so why half act like it? Johnny Depp wins for Pirates of the Caribbean and he’s still dressing like Eddie Veder circa 1990. I’m waiting for him to bust into “Jeremy.” 8:56 – Pirates continues its winning streak – taking the top prize of Best Movie. Michael Bay (producer) and Depp accept the award. Bay awkwardly forces Depp to thank the writers. Even in 30 seconds Depp can’t be interesting. Rewind to a few years back when Christian Bale won for Batman – he showed how to accept an award at a goofy award show. *That does it for the 2007 MTV Movie Awards. All in all, it was a disappointing show – and my prediction about Silverman was completely off-base. Let’s conclude this marathon – if you made it through the entire diary you deserve a medal. | 
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